Holy Research Assistants

I am recruiting volunteers for two research projects related to the Catholic Church. The first involves going into confessional and asking hard questions of the man behind the grate. Stem cells, divorce, women’s ability to be priests – fire away. For example, ask, ‘My wife is very ill and there is great evidence that a stem cell injection to her failing heart can save her life. There is a spot for her to receive this treatment in Brazil. There are no other options for her, beyond heart transplant, which is unlikely. What should I do?’ I am interested to see if the advice dispensed from the dark side is in line with the party policies handed down from the Bridge himself. I am particularly interested in the issue of transubstantiation. Catholics are actually supposed to believe that the Eucharist and wine turn into the body and blood of Christ, but that they retain the physical characteristics of wine and bread. This is a key distinction between the rituals of being Catholic and the rituals of being Protestant. Ask the priest, please, if he actually believes this. All I can think of is the musty cabinet on the floor at St. Luke’s Church that held the wine and Eucharist. The wine was in a plastic jug, and the Eucharist came in packages like Saltines, bulk purchased at the Christian Costco. Body and blood. Really?

The second project involves the secret life of nuns. There must be a whole secret mentality, networks, competition, jealousies, loves, near-misses. If you know any nuns, please speak to them and get back to me at barrels.empty@gmail.com. I would love to speak to them directly. Maybe what goes down in the convent stays in the convent, but there is always a gossip, someone just dying to spill the beans. I mean the beads.